Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
by BowtieJunkie
Summary: Sam chose Lucifer over his brother, and now he's facing the consequences. Brought to his senses by the mindless murder of a friend, perhaps he has a chance to turn back the clock, or at least fix what he's started. [AU]


**While I had planned on using this story for NaNoWriMo, some things came up and I was unable to write it. I will be working on it now, hoping for weekly updates, although I will need to go over my writing process again to see how quickly I can put out chapters. I have it planned to about 25 scenes so far, and my chapters average between 3000 and 5000 words. This will be a long haul, so be warned. **

**This will be an AU, breaking off from Lucifer Rising and taking a different direction. There will be many familiar faces and plenty of events from canon, however you've been warned about the changes. The rating will begin at T, though it may rise in the future. Future Sabriel, and hinted Destiel (although there will be no focus on it). Also graphic violence and major character death later on. **

**Please let me know what you think, and enjoy!**

* * *

"First unheard message." A pause. The phone speaker crackled faintly before Dean's voice came on the line. "Listen to me, you bloodsucking freak." Already, Sam could feel his heart sink. "Dad always said I'd either have to save you or kill you. Well, I'm giving you fair warning. I'm done trying to save you. You're a monster, Sam - a vampire. You're not you anymore. And there's no going back." There they were, the stinging burn of tears in his eyes. His grip tightened on his phone as he stood there, listening to the quiet beep after the message. He should have known. Dean could never forgive him.

"Do it."

He didn't have to look back to know that Ruby was smirking behind him. She'd always told him he couldn't trust his brother. He should have listened. "Thank god," she muttered from somewhere behind him, and muffled screams grew to terrified shrieks as the trunk was opened.

No turning back.

* * *

Saint Mary's Convent was brighter than he had imagined. The walls were still rotton, leaning in on themselves where it was nothing but wood framing, and covered in a thin layer of mildew, staining a blackish tint to the stones. Ruby opened her door first, silently urging Sam to follow. It was strangely silent outside, whether from the absence of screams from the trunk of the car or the odd lack of guards outside the convent.

"You ready?" Ruby asked next to his shoulder. He hadn't noticed her approach.

Sam nodded; there was no need for a verbal response.

It was easy, too easy, to walk in the doors, and the demons guarding the hallway fell within seconds with a sweep of his hand and faint concentration. He was saving the finale for Lilith, but Ruby seemed sure he could handle a couple of lower demons before taking Lilith on without draining himself too much.

The inner sanctuary was visible through wide double doors, where the twisted remains of the original had been converted into something far from their original intention. And there was Lilith, still inhabiting her previous meat suit, and from where Sam was, he could see the flash of fear in her eyes, even through the grin on her face.

His steps were deliberate, even as the wooden doors slammed shut in front of him. They wouldn't stop him. They couldn't.

Just as easily as he had dispatched the demons in the hallway, the doors flung themselves open for him, and he and Ruby stepped into the room. He could feel his heartbeat, and it's loud enough he's sure they can all hear it. They probably can. But it's not fear, it's the blood pumping through his veins, getting stronger as each second passes. He raised a hand, and with a quick flick of his wrist, Lilith flew back off her feet and slammed against the makeshift altar before slipping to the ground. Dimly, Sam was aware of some sort of commotion behind him. Ruby, perhaps, if the door slamming was any clue.

All he could see was Lilith.

"I've been waiting for this." His voice sounds strange, echoing and intermingling with the blood pumping in his ears. "For a very long time."

She grinned up at him, straining against his powers even thought it was obvious she wasn't strong enough to contend with him. "Then give me your best shot."

Something changed within him, some sort of switch flipping on, and that was it. His hand raised again of its own accord, and he took every bit of training he'd had, channeling as much power through as he could, more than he ever had before. Lilith began screaming in pain, but between them she let out spurts of giggles which only served to spur him on. The screams and his own heartbeat reached the peak with a burst of white light. It seemed to last an eternity, Sam already feeling the darkness creeping in on his brain, though he knew there was no way he could have held onto the explosion of power for more than a few minutes.

There was something that stopped him from delivering the final blow. Somewhere over the cacophony of sounds, he heard Dean's voice shouting his name. He turned slowly, lips framing his brother's name, though he wasn't sure if any sound came out, but then Ruby was there, shimmering at the edge of his vision, and he could just make out that she was yelling something. "... Sam! What are you waiting for? Now, Sam! Now!"

That was all he needed. Once again, he was facing Lilith. She was laughing, the blood already dripping from her lips, cold black eyes alight. "You've turned yourself into a freak. A monster. And now you're not gonna bite?" She let out a giggle that never should have belonged in this situation. "I'm sorry, but that is honestly adorable." She continued speaking after that, but he didn't hear it. Everything was the blood pumping through his veins, the searing pain behind his eyes, the immense power bubbling beneath the surface fueled by a new kind of darkness. Lilith's words quickly turned to screams and her body convulsed and shuddered and contorted in ways that would haunt Sam's mind for a long time, but he couldn't stop if he wanted to.

At last, it stopped. Everything. The beating sound in his ears, Lilith's screams, the very blood within his veins pausing when his body realized its stores of demon blood were depleted. Now the darkness around the edges of his vision creeped in and his knees felt weak, as if they too would fail him at any minute. And that, when his eyes had drifted again to Lilith's still body, was when he noticed the blood.

Rather than pooling, it had spiralled quickly out from her body in a deliberate spiral. "What the hell?" he muttered breathlessly, and he felt someone's, Ruby's, hand on his shoulder to steady him.

"I can't believe it." She seemed... excited?

"Ruby, what's going on?"

She smiled up at him, though her eyes hardly left the growing spiral for a second. "You did it. I mean, it was a little touch-and-go there for a while, but... you did it."

"What?" Did she mean? But no... no that wasn't right. This wasn't supposed to happen. "What - what did I do?"

Ruby his his arm a little tug, and he could practically feel the excitement rolling off her. "You opened the door. And now he's free at last." She let go, stepping back and swinging her arms as if she wasn't talking about setting the devil free. "He's free at last!

"No, no, no." The little chant had been going on within his mind since he first had an inkling of what really happened. "No, he - Lilith - I stopped her. I killed her!"

The responding flash of a smile had him reeling back toward the side of the room. "And it is written that the first demon shall be the last seal. And you bust her open." As she said this, Sam collapsed down, hands covering his face, still muttering "no" under his breath. Ruby's laugh cut through again. "Guess who's coming for dinner."

"Oh my god." This wasn't happening, right? Then again, with his luck...

"Guess again."

He became aware of Dean pounding on the door in the background, but that faded when he looked up at Ruby.

"You don't even know how hard this was!" She said, turning around and swinging her arms. "All the demons out for my head. No one knew." She spun around, fixing him with a shake of her head. "I was the best of those sons of bitches! The most loyal! Not even Alastair knew! Only Lilith! Yeah, I'm sure you're a little angry right now, but, I mean, come on Sam! Even you have to admit I'm - I'm awesome!"

It was too much. He couldn't properly think about what was happening. Right now, his emotions were the only things ruling his actions, and the formost was anger. "You bitch. You lying bitch!" And he didn't really think about what he was doing, throwing his hands up as if he could choke her right out of her vessel. He knew it wouldn't work, but...

"Don't hurt yourself, Sammy. It's useless. You shot your payload on the boss." Maybe there was a hint of remorse in her voice, but he couldn't tell.

All it managed to do was fuel his anger and he jumped to the first conclusion in his mind. "The blood... You poisoned me!" But his voice was lacking the energy it had before. She was right, he'd lost most of it on Lilith and there wasn't really anything left to work with.

She kneeled down in front of him, hands finding his even as he pulled away. "No, it wasn't the blood. It was you... and your choices. I just gave you the options, and you chose the right path every time." Her voice was... gentle as she spoke. It was unexpected, but even with the anger, her words were beginning to seep in. They were starting to make sense, and as much as he didn't want to listen, as much as he wanted to be angry and lash out, he just... couldn't. "You didn't need the feather to fly, you had it in you the whole time, Dumbo! I know it's hard to see it now... but this is a miracle. So long coming. Everything Azazel did, and Lilith did. Just to get you here. And you were the only one who could do it."

It took him a moment to find his voice. "Why? W-why me?"

"Because," and Ruby gave his hands a quick tug, "because it had to be you, Sammy. It always had to be you. You saved us." There was so much sincerity that it pulled him in. "You set him free, and he's gonna be grateful. He's gonna repay you in ways that you can't even imagine." Her last words got to him. He could be accepted, maybe not by the people he'd originally wanted it from, but he would still know some who wouldn't look at him like he was a freak, a monster. Sam took a deep breath, knowing Ruby was waiting for him to acknowledge what she'd just said.

"Okay," he said, and the answering flash of surprise in Ruby's eyes showed even in the dim flashes of light in the room, nearly matching the surprise that Sam was sure shown in his own. But what choice did he have? He'd heard Dean's message. There was no hope for them, no hope of reconciling, and any guilt Sam felt at allowing this final stance of betrayal washed away when he remembered the pure animosity in Dean's voice-a tone reserved for the monsters they hunted and killed, not for wayward little brothers. It was an easy decision, all things considered. He'd hardly thought past the banging on the chapel doors.

Dean only came to stop him; only came because he cared more about the final seal than what would inevitably, if he had his way, happen to the younger Winchester. Sam fell into the same category as any other monster.

So when Dean burst through, Ruby's knife brandished, panting from the strain of fighting the old iron lock, Sam stepped in front of the demon with little more than a thought, eyes clouded with anger and pain as he regarded his brother. A small voice in the back of his mind reminded him that they would have ended up like this regardless. He could have allowed Dean to kill Ruby, but none of it would matter soon, when Dean realized just how broken, just how much of a freak, his brother had become.

Dean appeared surprised, and his momentum from the initial rush carried him all but a few feet from his brother and Ruby. He couldn't seem to find words, mouth half open, regarding the shielded demon with an odd mixture of hatred and admiration that only lasted for a few seconds before his mouth snapped shut and he fixed Sam with a steady frown. "Step away from her," he said, voice low.

Sam was already on the defensive, but he tensed ever so slightly at the malice in Dean's words. "So you can what? Kill her? No."

Dean hesitated, but brought the knife up so that one step would close the space between them. "The little bitch deserves it. Now step away."

"No." There was finality in his voice that he hadn't, himself, expected.

The tip of the knife shook, and Sam almost dared him to step forward, to force them to fight. Somehow it seemed easier than facing the words. But Dean slowly lowered the blade and the steady glow of the growing circle of light in the middle of the room cast shadows across his features-where Sam could make out another confusing mix of emotion. All was quite for a moment, and Sam was glad that Ruby didn't speak because he could see the calculating glint in Dean's eyes, and then all emotion was gone from his brother's face. It was blank-the horrible sort that Sam hadn't witnessed of Dean since the contract was almost up. "Sam, please," Dean said quietly, an unexpected note of desperation in his voice that Sam hardly recognized. "Please, you know this isn't... this isn't right. Look, what I said earlier, I didn't-"

"Don't." Sam cut him off, even if it hurt to see the pain in Dean's expression. "What you said... You can never take it back. You... you think you can just turn back time? Make everything better?" Dean opened his mouth as if to say something, to defend himself, but the anger bubbling beneath the surface finally broke out, and Sam's voice, still steady, rose just slightly to a dangerous level. "I know what I am, Dean, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that... And I know you don't... I know why you said that. I'm just not... I can't do this anymore." He'd stepped forward unconsciously and was less than an arm's length away from his brother. The steadily growing hum from the opening portal was the only sound at that moment and both brothers stood facing one another.

Dean broke it finally. "Please Sammy, just think about this..." He knew though, Sam could see it. Dean knew that they'd passed any chance of reconciliation. Sam had one last act-despite that they were no longer fighting for the same cause, Sam would never forgive himself if it was his fault that Dean died...

"I've made my decision, Dean. Now make yours." And with that, he shoved his brother past the crumbling stone walls to land with a muffled grunt on the broken remains of the gold encrusted columns. He only caught a glimpse of his older brother's face—betrayal and... guilt? And then the doors slammed shut with an air of finality and there was Ruby, standing beside him with a sympathetic smile, though he did not miss the triumph seeping through the guarded expression of her eyes. She grabbed his arm, squeezing it tightly in something that might have, at one time, given him comfort, and even as the light at the center of the room brightened to a level of obvious discomfort, he could feel the darkness edging around his vision.

"Come on, Sam, let's get out of here before we're burned up."

He had enough time to nod, feeling disconnected, before the balance in the room shifted and suddenly the heat from the opening gate was replaced with a cool breeze and the familiar musty scent so often found in old chapels was nothing more than a part of a quickly slipping memory. The fresh air did nothing to lighten what he'd done, and if Ruby was true—and she usually was—what he would soon do.

There they were, the Apocalypse already begun, watching the bright shaft of light reach into the sky as Lucifer finally walked free.

Sam would be lying if he said he wasn't conflicted.


End file.
